Feel the Silence
by Kogo Shuko
Summary: Scully admits her feelings for John Doggett. Idea taken from the song title and lyrics of Feel the Silence by the Goo Goo Dolls.


Dana lay on her side, staring over at her open window. The moon peeked through the trees, and dust motes danced through the shaft of mellow light that came through the window. Inside, Dana could feel her heart breaking, but she would not let the tears flow. She was stronger than this. She would overcome this.

Turning onto her back, she closed her eyes, and dredged up the conversation earlier that night. John had been here. And for a moment, she had been sure they were mending things; that this would all work itself out.

But then he had asked too much. He had asked for her heart, for her all. And Dana just couldn't do that. Not again. Not after what happened last time. Her eyes almost filled with tears as she remembered Mulder leaving, claiming it was for her own safety – for their baby's safety. She had grown lonely over time, and eventually had given up when his notes grew fewer and finally stopped altogether.

And finally she had opened her eyes to John Doggett, who had loved her relentlessly throughout the whole ordeal. But in so loving her, he had respected her, and stood his distance. She finally had come to him, and their romance had been like a whirlwind. She had never felt safer, more secure, then when she was in John's arms. But at the same time, these feelings frightened her, and she refused to give him what he needed – complete trust.

She turned her head and gazed at the phone, willing for it to ring, for it to be him calling. But it would not happen this night. She had pushed him away, when he had been at his most vulnerable. Could she blame him for finally giving up on her?

Closing her eyes, she relived the moments before it all fell apart.

Locked in a warm embrace, the two lovers kissed passionately, sitting upon Scully's couch. As their kisses grew more insistent, John pulled away, and looked into Dana's eyes. "I love you, Dana."

She blinked, swallowed, and felt her mouth grow dry. How could she respond to this? "Don't say that, John. Things are nice, just the way they are."

John's eyes began to fill with tears as he realized she would never say the words back, "I don't know where I'm going, Dana. I don't. I only know where I've been. But this is something I do know: You move me. You move my soul. And I need to know you feel the same way."

Dana moved away from John a bit, and looked at the floor, "I… I can't say that, John."

John's blue eyes blazed with intensity, "And why not?" he asked through tight lips.

Scully grasped at the small cross hanging around her neck, "You know why."

"Because of Mulder? This is because of Mulder? Dana, you can't let what he's done to you stop you from loving again. You have to stop fighting the current, otherwise… otherwise you'll forget how to live."

John stood, and paced, "You're not the only one who lost someone they loved, you know. I have as well, but I'm willing to find love again." He looked meaningfully at Scully, "And I thought I had found it with you."

"John, I just can't!" Dana cried out.

John looked over at her, "And another thing. You never speak to me about it. The only person who has ever gotten close to hearing how you feel is A.D. Skinner. Dana, you've got to let it out. Holding it inside isn't good for you! I know! I personally know how it feels! You have to let it out, and Dana, you know I want to help you. I want to reach you, but I don't know where to begin! Because you won't let me in!"

Dana stood, and turned away from John. "Maybe you should go."

"Is that what you want, Dana? Is it?" John asked, facing her, no matter if her back was turned to him.

Dana nodded, "Yes, I think it would be the best thing."

And in that moment, his shoulders slumped, he lowered his head in defeat. Dana caught all this through the mirror in the next room, which reflected them perfectly.

He turned, and silently left the apartment. And Scully sank to the floor, but no tears came. Not this time.

And now she lay awake, her blue eyes dry, but her heart being torn apart. She wanted him. No, she needed him. And she just pushed him away. Because she couldn't leave it behind her. She had to let her past get in the way.

Inside, she was arguing with herself. Telling herself she should have told him exactly how she felt. That she was in love with him. Inside, she wanted to say it with all her heart. But she was too scared of losing what she had found.

It was during these small moments that she realized she would never lose John's love. It had been there all along. Through the days Mulder was still around, after he had left, after she had given up her baby. He had loved her all that time. And still he loved her. Why couldn't she just accept this love, and give it back?

Sitting up, she threw the sheets off of her, and stumbled around her room. Picking up clothes, she dressed haphazardly, and rushed out of her apartment. She was fairly running when she hit the street. But before she could reach her car, she heard her name being called. "Dana!" John cried from across the road, and she stopped in her tracks.

He loped across the road, and she ran into his arms. "I'm so sorry, John. I didn't mean it, I didn't. I do! I do love you!"

John wrapped his arms protectively around her, and whispered into her hair, "Just hold on, Dana. Hold on to me. I promise I won't let you fall."

"I will John. I'm holding on with all my heart," she whispered back, as her arms tightened around his neck.

Perhaps it was finally time to leave it all behind her.


End file.
